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06-21-2002 @ 8:35 p.m.
A Few Good Things

Today was a low-energy day. I didn't feel like sleeping the day away but I didn't feel like doing a whole lot, either. I took Joey to a friend's house for a playdate this morning at 10:30 so I was home alone most of the day. My house was relatively clean and I just didn't feel like doing much. I fixed the sprinklers in the garden and backyard which pleased me to no end and then I hung out here on the computer awhile. I just didn't have the urge to go or do or anything. I thought about going to the mall to pick up something for my neighbor but I didn't even do that.

At least I didn't have any more shocking or disturbing dreams. I had a difficult time falling asleep, though. I just laid there for almost 2 hours. It was a good thing I started at 11pm. I woke up at 2:30 and thought to myself "Oh wow--I fell asleep. Great!" And then I went back to sleep. I don't remember if I woke again until 7:30 when Ed kissed me goodbye. I'm not liking the sleep disturbances thing. I can't be sure if it's the antidepressant or just coincidence but given the fact that generally I fall to sleep *very* easily and sleep like a log until the next morning (and then some), I'm inclined to believe it's a side effect of the Selexa (spelled wrong intentionally). I just hope it will even out as I adjust to the medication. It has been 10 days, but I just bumped it up last night to the full 20mg dosage so I'm sure there will be some new side effects to deal with.

I have noticed a few differences in the week I've been taking the Selexa. One is that my appetite doesn't seem as voracious as it was before. I had gotten to a point where I felt like all I wanted to do was snack on things--especially sweet things. Amazingly, my sweet tooth has been almost on hiatus. We've had the makings for s'mores for a week now and I've only had them once. A year ago at this time, that stuff wouldn't have lasted 3 days. A nice side effect is that I've lost 9 lbs. in 10 days. At least 5 of those pounds were water, I know. The day I went to the doctor, I weighed myself (and they weighed me, too and they were the same weight so my scale is pretty accurate) and it was the highest weight I've ever weighed on that scale. My hands were also painfully puffy and my ankles were in cognito. That water weight is reduced but there's been some body mass loss, too, which is very good. I'm sure that not sleeping for 12 or 13 or 14 hours at a stretch has something to do with it. But I'm simply not eating as much as I was before. And I'm feeling plenty satisfied with that, too. This is a very good thing.

Another good thing I noticed is that there is suddenly an absence of a low-level tension/anxiety that I hadn't even realized I had until it was gone. I know I've been strung rather tightly these past few months or a year or so. I've been highly irritable (and probably irritating as well) but I really hadn't been aware of this kind of free-floating anxiety and tension. It was always there, I realize now, but it was just like background noise. Now that it's gone, I feel a sense of calm that I haven't felt in a long time. It's a very nice feeling but at the same time, I'm almost at loose ends because that old standby stressor is gone. I like the calm, though. I like not snapping at people. I like being able to deal with Joey's moods without going into one of my own. These are all very good things.

I'm still not 100%, though. The doc said it could take 8-12 weeks to really feel the full effects of the medication but that many people start to feel better after a week or so. I'm ok with that. The depression certainly didn't hit over night so I don't expect it to just evaporate. I'm just enjoying the good things that I'm feeling already. It's nice to be calm. It's nice not to feel like a tightly-wound toy just waiting for someone to unleash myself on.

I had a lovely visit with Delyn today. She painted her dining room and kitchen a beautiful shade of green so went over to see it. We just sat and chatted for a few hours. I've never done that before--just gone over to see her and chatted. We've always gotten together to do specific things or things with the husbands. I like that our one-on-one friendship is deepening and growing more comfortable. She is someone I can really talk to about anything and I know she'll hold my confidence. And she remembers everything you say and do. I like that in a person. (As long as they try to forget that stupid things you do.) I like how she has opened up to me and shared things that are quite private because I know she trusts me, too. And values my opinion. I like that. And tomorrow we're barbecuing together. That's always a pleasant way to spend an evening.

Joey has gotten into the mode of wanting to always be at a play date, have a friend over or be entertained. This is not a good thing. While I'm all for spending time with friends in the summer (heck, it's one of my main motivations in life!), it's important to also be able to spend time alone, too. And not be sulking when you do it. I think we're going to have to designate some down time for her just so she doesn't get too used to always being with a friend.

As a parting note, I have to share something I did today. I really shouldn't tell because if this gets out I may be ruined, but I actually *ironed* today. I got out the ironing board, the iron and I pressed a shirt and two skirts for Joey and a pair of pants and a shirt for myself. And you know what? If it hadn't have been so hot in my room, I might have even ironed a shirt or two for Ed but I was starting to get all sweaty so I had to put the hot thing away. Now don't go spreading this around and especiallly don't tell Bev. She might disown me.

On the QT,

--L

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