It was 95 degrees in Portland today. This is May. Not August. Not July. May, fer cryin' out loud. We don't get temperatures in the 90s in May. It's unreal. I enjoyed the sun but couldn't get over the heat. My house was 85 degrees when I got home from school today. That's just plain ridiculous. We really need air conditioning.

While I was slogging up the steep parking lot hill in the 95-degree heat to my car parked very far away today I was blasted with the incredible aroma of warmed Douglas fir needles and natural compost. It was fabulous. Almost enough to let me forget how hot I was. Almost.

Tomorrow it is supposed to be in the low 80s, which is much cooler but still quite warm for May in Portland. Hard to believe that a scant 2 months ago, the meteorologists were predicting a wetter-than-normal spring after a dry and mild winter. They were wrong.

We planted 2 lilac bushes on the side of the house today. Ed wants to get some railroad ties and make a small retaining wall along the side of the house where we planted the lilacs so we planted them a little high and made a berm (burm?) around them to keep the water in until we get the retaining wall done. Perhaps that will be our Memorial Day project.

Our house seems to be very attractive to nest builders. We have something along the order of 50 yellow jacket or wasp nests under the eves. And this year, we have a beautiful blue and orange barn swallow that has claimed the top of the column in the corner of our front porch as her own and has built a large mud nest. She gets rather irritated when people are on the porch or near her nest in the yard but she hasn't attacked anyone. Her hubster likes to sleep on the top of one of the other porch columns, which would be fine with me if he could control his pooping action. The space under his sleeping area is covered with bird poop. This is no good. I like the nest--I think it's really kewl. I could do without the poop. Especially since it's right at the front door so arriving and departing guests get a very good view of it.

I'm still frustrated about what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know if it's God or fate or the universe, but someone/thing seems to be putting a lot of obstacles in my way to attaining my goal. I don't feel like these obstacles are happenstance. I just can't figure out why they're here and what they mean and what I'm supposed to do with them. Things usually make themselve apparent to me in some way or another so I'm just waiting for clarity to set in. I've gotten some ideas, though, from friends. My dear dear friend Zina suggested that perhaps this is a sign from the universe that maybe I should pursue having another child. Maybe so. The thought still rattles around my head sometimes but I'm so far removed from babyland (Joey being 7.5 now) that my desire to re-enter that world has vanished (especially after hearing Lily crying at night at the beach house this weekend). But despite my lack of interest in increasing my family size, I'm still somewhat ambivalent about Joey being an only child. But then again, I'm just not all that interested in having another child and I've always heard it said that you shouldn't have another child to please someone else, do it only if you really want to do it. I think I could be completely satisfied with just Joey. She has decided that she likes the idea of not having siblings--wonder why?

Tricia and Mary think this is a sign that I need to ditch midwifery and open a tea house or a catering business. I'm not at all interested in catering hours (evenings and weekends all the time). The idea of having a teahouse is somewhat appealing but I am so risk averse that it makes me nauseated to think of doing it. I fully expect that we'll move to Bend sometime in the next 5-7 years with the Olmsteads so perhaps that would be a good place to do it. But the tea thang may be over by then. I could still have a lunch place.

I keep thinking that I so much want to teach but I'm not all that interested in teaching anything I'm qualified to teach. Maybe this will be my chance to be a full-time fiction writer. I think I'm going to focus on that because that really strongly appeals to me right now.

But I feel unsettled. Uncomfortable. Uncommitted. All these UNs. It's a sad place to be for me because I don't like not knowing what's coming next. I'm something of a planner. I can be spontaneous but I really prefer to know where I'm going and approximately when I'm going to be there.

Sometimes you just have to just let go and go with the flow. This is hard for me but maybe this is the lesson I need to learn. You know, if Ed wasn't so unhappy with his job, I wouldn't be at all worried. But he hates his job and we won't be able to move unless I can work in Bend as a nurse/midwife or instructor or both. This is too much for me to solve tonight. I'm going to have my midnight bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats (a small one) and go to bed.

Good night.

--L