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01-08-2003 @ 2:12 p.m.
On the Cusp

It's weird to be in a position where you know that the decision you're about to make will have a dramatic impact to the rest of your life. The big decisions I've had to make in the past weren't hard. I mean, I knew, well before it was discussed, that I would marry Ed and that it would be a good marriage. All we had to decide was when, not if. So many of my decisions have been eventualities not whether-or-nots. That's what makes this one so much more difficult. Choosing one way precludes other options but opens up possibilities I've not had open to me before. My head is swimming with scenarios and fantasies.

The last 3 days have been sunny and cold and beautiful here in Oregon and I have had a dramatic upsurge in my mood. Not that it was necessarily down in the dumps before but my energy level and overall feeling of wellbeing is quite enhanced by walking outside in the glorious sunshine and seeing the gorgeous blue sky above and being able to see the majestic Mt. Hood in the distance. Sometimes in the winter, I almost forget there's a big, giant mountain over yonder because the fog, haze, rain, clouds, etc. obscure it so often. Then a sunny day will hit and I'll be actually surprised to see it when I'm driving down the road.

Did I mention that I bought new jeans? Smaller ones? I haven't been this size in about 6 or 7 years, I believe. I'm actually on the cusp between this size and the next size down so that's lots of fun. One more pants size and I'll be able to buy pants in the regular-sized department. Hallelujah! That'll open a whole new world of shopping to me, just as the budget gets tighter. Arrgh.

I'm not sure how I like Ed working graveyard. It's no fun--I feel like I can't do anything noisy at home during the day like laundry or vacuuming, both of which need doing. And he's been splitting up his sleeping so he's going to bed at 7:30ish which means that after 8pm, I'm all alone. I've been doing a lot of scrapbooking while I watch TV in the evenings but it's been lonely. Even when he's off working in the office or puttering around in the garage in the evenings, at least he's awake and I can go ask him questions or talk to him whenever I feel like it. And he usually watches whatever 10pm drama we happen to catch. I suggested that he try sleeping until 3:30 or 4pm and then staying up until work so that we can have a more regular kind of schedule so he's trying that today. It's just been so hard for him to get much sleep during the day with light and noises and generally feeling out of whack. Hopefully when he gets his sleep prescription refilled next week, he'll be able to sleep during the day better and we'll have our lives back. Just in time for him to go back to regular hours of work.

I went to Costco today. It was much less crowded than it was the last time I was there in mid-December. Go figure. It was actually pleasant--no dodging people, no long lines to check out, no half-hour spent in search of a distant parking space. Not bad at all. And I even got out of there with less than a $100 worth of merchandise. Of course, when I got back next week to pick up my pictures, I'll probably snag a few more things so I'm not sure I got off all that easy.

Despite being lonely in the eveings, I have been a little on the anti-social side of late. I'm not sure if it's a hangover from all the togetherness at the holidays or what but I haven't called any friends or made lunch dates or much of anything. Except for Amy. Seems about the only one I feel like hanging out with a lot is Amy. She's just such good company. And she's got that luscious pregnant belly that I like to rub. I guess I'll get plenty of socializing tomorrow night when I host bookgroup. We're discussing The L0vely B0nes and I'm making ribs for dinner. Ribs! Isn't that just terrible? I wonder if anyone will get the joke. We always try to somehow match the food to the book. Sometimes I just kill myself.

I've wanted to hang out with the Griffins, too. I didn't get to see much of them over the holidays so I guess I'm in Griffin Deficit. Russ and I played cribbage while I waited for Joey's piano lesson to get over, which was pretty fun. But I've wanted to just hang out with D, too, and talk to her about some stuff that's been on my mind, and she's been incredibly busy with Kmusik and piano with everything starting back up this week that her availability level is low. ::sigh:: We're playing games with them Friday--that ought to do me.

Only someone of my high sociability would call herself antisocial when her week consisted of lunch with her sister, hosting bookgroup and a playdate with friends on the weekend. My perspective is definitely skewed.

Joey has been such a pleasant child lately. Not that she isn't always a pleasant child--in fact, she's one of the most pleasant children you'll ever meet--but it seems that the last few days/weeks have been more interesting. Our conversations are different and she's definitely maturing emotionally. I like this part of her growing up. I just hope we're able to maintain this kind of relationship as puberty descends upon us. That's a scary thought. Too scary to contemplate right now, that's for sure.

She's home from school now so I much take leave. Adios!

--L

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