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04-02-2002 @ 9:24 p.m.
Seeing Clearly

Ed is in Phoenix tonight and tomorrow night. Except when he was gone to Malaysia for almost 3 weeks, I've always enjoyed his business trips. Well, except for the two times that coincided with bad cases of food poisoning. But aside from that, I like having time with just Joey and evening time to myself. It's very pleasant. And it makes the reunions even more joyful. In his new position, he won't need to travel as much with is kind of a good news/bad news thing. He'll be home and safe. But we won't have an opportunity to miss each other either. And I think it's good to miss your beloved from time to time.

Today was my first day in Photo III. It's a portfolio class where we will create what amounts to a gallery show for our final project--a cohesive series of eight photos, mounted, matted and titled. I'm very excited about it. I have two ideas for series to do and I'm trying to decide which way to go. One is a series of still lifes of empty vases and glasses and bowls with different avenues of light and dark, angle and perspective. I plan to title the series "Empty Vessels". It will be a symbolic representation of my empty womb. It is inspired by a photograph by Ruth Bernh@rd of sunlight shining and refracting through a glass doorknob. The other series I'm thinking of is to do a series of close up faces of girls/women from newborn to old age. I have ideas for models aged 0, 2, 4, 8, 16, 30ish, 60ish and 90ish. The ages almost double in each picture. I'm not sure what message I'm going through with that one except to show the progression from birth to approaching death. I'll meet with my teacher and talk with him about my ideas. I kind of wish I could do both but with only 2 months, I won't have the opportunity.

I've been busily taking pictures this past week. I figure that by taking some of the pictures now and developing them, I can see if the empty vessel pictures I've already taken will turn out. If they don't, I will do the portraits.

It feels so good to be taking pictures again. Most of last term, I was completely uninspired. I only did 3 photo shoots--Bill's dad, Marilyn and the trees. The previous term, I did dozens of photo shoots. It's all I wanted to do. And now that feeling is back. I'm wanting to carry my camera everywhere and have been pulling it out for both spontaneous and planned shoots. I have 4 rolls of B&W film to develop. Speaking of film to develop, I turned in 13 rolls of color film today. Basically, it's everything since last September. I can't believe I've been so derelict in keeping up with my color film.

I'm feeling so much more like my old self again. I've been feeling progressively better since my hot tub therapy with Jaimie. It wasn't immediate--just little by little. I'm still dealing with my feelings about the infertility but I feel more able to handle it and work through it. And now that the anniversary of my mother's death has passed and I cried a lot of big tears, I feel better able to handle that void as well. I still plan to call the therapist to work through the anger and frustration I feel about my infertility and my mother's death but I just feel so much better these days. It's amazing what some sunlight and socializing and decision-making will do for depression. I'm liking it. The lyrics "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..." just keep rolling through my brain. Of course I know the rain isn't gone forever but it sure feels good for now.

Mmmm...a free day tomorrow. I can scrapbook. I can ride my bike. I can go shopping. (Nah, not interested--I just spent over $100 on party supplies for the baby shower and 2 books on photography.) I can clean my house. (Hmmm....I don't think so.) I can go visit Grandma. The possibilities are endless. I can hardly stand it! What to do? What to do? Tune in here tomorrow--same bat time, same bat channel.

Later...

--L

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