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03-19-2002 @ 9:48 p.m.
Living on the Edge Bites Me in the Ass

Damn damn damn damn damn! I clicked a wrong combination of keys and ended up losing my stuff. I was writing some great stuff, too. It was about being big with the toddler set (Julia and Michael and other assorted preschoolers who seem to adore me) and about taking couch naps because of being tired from only 6 hours of sleep and talking with my sister today. Oh man, it was great stuff. Award winning, even. Shit!

So, I talked with Amy today. I wanted to tell her about my hot tub catharsis with Jaimie and my depression. I wasn't sure if I should tell her because she's trying to get pregnant right now, too, and getting very uptight about it. But I didn't want to insult her the way that I'd been insulted by people witholding information about pregnancies and feelings about pregnancy. So we talked and cried a smidge and it was good. I so love my little sister. She's wonderful.

I told her that I didn't want Joey to be an only child. I've tried and tried and tried to embrace this idea of having an only child but I just can't do it. I always wanted 2 but when our last attempts at getting pregnant failed, I told everyone that I was really happy with my one child and that I didn't want two. I played up the benefits of having one. I talked about all the advantages we had and how we can travel now and do things that we couldn't do otherwise. I almost believed it myself but there has always been a part of me that just couldn't accept it. I love my sisters too much and I just couldn't wrap my mind around having only Joey. Just couldn't do it. It was just easier to dodge the questions and pity when people thought we wanted more children. I'd rather take their withering looks when I touted the great things about only children.

We have to decide now how to go about having another child. We could do another adoption or try fertility again. I'm not sure if I'm willing to spend the $10 on IVF/donor egg/embryo adoption with such a small chance of it succeeding. That's what drew us to adoption the first time--the sure thing. I mean, for $10K, we could be assured of definitely having a child with adoption. I'm not sure I like the odds of more fertility treatment and I'm not sure I like the prospect of that emotional roller coaster again. Amy did offer to be my egg donor if I wanted but she's going to be out of commission for at least a year so I think that's not going to work. I'm leaning toward another adoption, personally.

I didn't call the therapist yet because I wanted to talk further to Ed and sort of make a decision about whether we're going to pursue adoption or fertility treatments to add to our family.

Delyn came home from the hospital today. She feels great. In fact, she actually drove herself home because they had two cars at the hospital. She didn't tear and has no stitches. She's doing wonderfully--doesn't hurt to sit and says she's ready to go shopping! Man, you don't see that every day! I'm going to see them tomorrow. I may recommend that she at least try to do some moaning and groaning. You know, just to keep other women from feeling bad. ::g::

--L

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