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01-10-2002 @ 7:51 p.m.
Insights R Us

Does your diary offer deep insight into you as a person? If you are glib in your diary, is it in an effort to entertain? To avoid thinking about those deep insights? To keep people at a distance? (in which case, I have to ask, why do you keep an online diary?)Do you *have* deep insights? This is not an indictment. I'm just curious.

It was implied that I do not offer insights into my psyche in my diary and I'm thinking that's a little unfair. Oh sure, I talk about what I cooked for dinner (that's telling, isn't it?) and about taking naps (not telling how many I took today--nope--you can't pry it outta me), but I think I've written some meat in here. I spent a lot of time hashing out what I was going to do about school and whether I was going to go to school and what I was going study. Making a big career choice/change is pretty darn insightful, don't you think? And I wrote several entries this summer about relationships with friends. I've written about times when I felt like my husband and I connecting and times when we were. I've written about the ways I lack as a parent, the troubles we had with Joey's anxiety and our experiences with family therapy. I've written about my father and about the ways my mother's death has affecte me. So yeah, I've written about the banal--maybe too much--but I think I have nuggets of insight in there. Pttthhhh. (That's me sticking out my tongue and making that noise.) He still sucks and his diary is lame. Ptttttth again. (Ooh, pettiness does not look attractive on me--I think I'll have to stop it now.)

I hit a wall writing today--I need to get around this one transition without making it seem trite or obvious or oversimplified. It's going to take some work.

The next chapter is going to be difficult to write, too. I mean, without making it maudlin. In fact, I'm not exactly sure how to deal with it. It is very difficult to write about a death and the resulting aftermath without getting into the overly sentimental and dramatic because it is an overly sentimental and dramatic event. I mean, if I were to write about the days and weeks after my mother's death, it wouldn't be great literature. In the past, when I've had to write about a death, I wrote about it as a fait accompli of about 2 weeks. I don't think I can do that in this case. And there are some pretty dramatic elements surrounding this particular death.

I guess I'll just write it as it comes out and then see how to fix it. I always tell Ed that he needs to just write it out and then fix it yet I'm terrible about following my own advice. I edit edit edit as I go. Why can't I just barf it out on the page and clean it up later? I'm going to do that. Really really do that. I think I'll have to set a time limit or something and force myself to write quickly. If I'm under a time limit, I let go a little more.

My photo shoot today went well. It was so cute to see Bill working with his father doing their exercises and talking. Bill kept calling his father Johnny. And Johnny was flirting in a sweet, disabled old man sort of way. It was just so sweet. I talked with him a lot, especially when I was taking close ups of just him and it was so cute. When I took one shot, I said "That's beautiful." He said, "Be sure and tell my wife you said that." Cracked me up. I gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek when I left and he said I needed to kiss his forehead, too, because we'd been talking about testing for fevers by kissing foreheads. He's such a sweet guy. I saw glimpses of my own father in a few years and it was both sad and sweet. Even though he is still recovering from a stroke and big excitement is driving to Walgreen's, he seems quite happy and content. I liked that.

I can't wait to see the pictures. Waiting on the processing is the hardest part of regular photography. It's really my driving reason for wanting to go digital. Hopefully I'll get the negs back on Monday and be able to print them in class. If not, I'll be making more prints of my viola and cello players.

I had an erotic dream last night. I have them so rarely and they are so much fun. But then I wake up all flustered and thinking about sex all day. (Then again, what's wrong with that?) Joey had a funny dream about Halloween and she said "See? I dream about what I want." So I said in a sultry voice, "I dream about what I want, too." Ed and I both got a chuckle out of that one. Anyway, the setting for the dream was Ed's office (though in reality he has a cubicle) on the 40th floor of some urban highrise at dusk with the sun setting in the distance and the lights of the city twinkling before us. You can see where this is going... I can guarantee we'll never actually be having sex in his office cubicle.

Oddly enough, I had a dream the night before about Ed's office and it was this ridiculously small cubicle that he shared with another person and instead of his regular clothes, he wore a thick, color-blocked tweedy wool suit in green and blue and black. It was such a hilarious suit and the cubicle situation was so funny and somehow the next night that segued into Ed working in this really *great* office wearing a really sharp suit. I can hardly wait to see where he ends up tonight!



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