I can see now that I am changed. I mean, I knew I was. I knew that I would never see the world as generally safe and comfortable and secure again, but I didn't really think that *my* world would suddenly feel so foreign to me.

I was in Meier & Frank today, having an hour to kill before I needed to leave to meet Jaimie for lunch. I admired and lusted after the orange Tommy Hilfiger jeans and wanted so desperately to buy them but they were about 6 inches too long for me. I walked around and looked at lovely fine-guage orange and lime green sweaters. Jaunty music came through the loud speakers and women chatted with their companions all around me. Suddenly, the music stopped and the store went pitch black. The darkness closed in on me, squeezing the air out of my lungs. I looked around but saw nothing. Nothing at all.

I heard people around me start to talk excitedly but I do not know what they were saying. I was trying to figure out which way I had come from so I could feel my way out of the store. I couldn't breathe. Bands of steel tightened around my chest. Just when I thought I would be completely crushed by the darkness, the emergency lights came on. I had to get out of there. I walked, slowly at first, then faster and faster until I got into the main area of the mall. My heart was pounding, racing. I looked around to see what was happening. One side of the mall was dark, the other side was lit up as usual. The jewelry stores began to close their security doors.

I walked through the mall, trying to catch a glimpse of what I was sure would be a great conflagration outside the doors. Hot tears stung in my eyes. I was frightened. Terrified. And angry that a scant 3 weeks ago, the loss of electricity in a department store would have been a source of amusement--a great story to tell later--but now, that same loss of electricity was the source of a tremendous panic/anxiety attack, the likes of which I hope I never feel again.

When I stepped outside the mall, I finally was able to take a deep breath, but my chest was so tight that it was actually painful to inhale deeply. I looked around me in the parking lot and then looked beyond the parking lot to see if there were any changes on the horizon. Seeing none, I hustled to my car and eased into the driver's seat. There I indulged in my urge to cry.

For an hour afterward, my arms and legs felt weak and a little shaky, like when you haven't eaten for a long time. I kept feeling like I couldn't get a deep enough breath. And I really wanted to just lie down in my bed under my covers and go to sleep, but I had a lunch date to keep. Laughing and talking with my friends distracted me enough that I was able to forget about my anxiety after awhile.

I've never had an anxiety or panic attack. I've felt intense anxiety but never to the extent I felt it today. I've never felt true claustrophobia but I felt it today. This is how the terrorists have changed me. And I don't like it. Not one bit. Damn them.

--L