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09-12-2001 @ midnightish
Interesting Twists

I can think of nothing new to say. As much as I didn't want to do it, I found myself drawn to the TV again today eager hear reports of survivors found. I heard of one man, a janitor from the 82nd floor who was on the 82nd floor when it collapsed. He was found today in the rubble with nothing worse than a few broken bones today. Stories like that are heartening.

Stories of people trapped deeply beneath the rubble who have called from their cell phones to loved ones expecting not to be found in time are disheartening.

I've been amazed at the role the cell phone has played in this whole thing. Cell phone calls reported from hijacked airplanes. Cell phone calls from survivors in the rubble. Cell phone calls from survivors who escaped from the buildings to anxious loved ones. A lot of crucial information passed along by cell phone. An interesting commentary on modern technology.

For Joey, today was a normal day. She talked very little about the events in New York. That was yesterday. It must be over, since today is a new day her mind seems to tell her. She seems relatively unfazed today. Part of me is glad. I worried immensely that this would set off a new anxiety attack. Another part of me worries that it will surface later. When we take an airplane to our next vacation destination (which I can't imagine doing right now but which I hope to do someday in the future). Later, when she's older and can really think about it. But I will not pre-worry about it now. As Joey's therapist reminded me last time I started to worry about something that she hadn't yet developed anxiety over, "we'll deal with that if and when it becomes a problem."

OH, gosh, there is something to write about. I got the strangest phone call today from a friend of mine. Her daughter has a friend who is 15 and 6 mos. pregnant. This girl is expecting a boy and is looking for a family to adopt her baby. Rose asked me if we would be interested. I was shocked. I had kind of given up any thoughts of having another child and then suddenly this came up. In discussing it with Ed, though, we've decided that there is one insurmountable snag. The birth mother lives in our rather small subdivision (about 100 homes). The proximity issue is entirely too sticky. I would not be comfortable with her knowing where we live and being within walking distance of our home. We are not in a position to move, nor do we want to move.

I spent the afternoon thinking about it, praying and wondering if I would receive some kind of guidance on what to do. I asked for confirmation and received none--no shivers, no good, peaceful feeling, no sense of acceptance. I felt nothing. When we decided to adopt Joey, I was filled every day with a feeling of warmth and light that what we were doing was the right thing for our family. That the child who belonged in our family would make its way to our home. And when we were called with the information of her impending birth, I knew it was right. I felt nothing with this today. No racing heart at the thought of perhaps adding a son to our family. No flip-flops in my stomach. No warm, ethereal embrace of confidence. I need that confirmation and without it, I couldn't go into something so monumentally huge for our family. Even Ed who wants more children in our family felt nothing to assure him that this was the child for our family.

It was weird to contemplate, for a moment, what my life would be like if, in 3 months, we had a son. It was almost unfathomable. I've spent a lot of time thinking about whether we were done with having more children and about a year ago finally felt at peace with the idea that we would be a family of 3. It was strange to try to picture myself with a baby again.

One other hitch is that the child would be 1/8 Native American which is a significant issue in adoption. Not insurmountable but certainly a Very Big Issue due to the Indian Child Welfare Act which requires notification of the tribe (and perhaps finding the appropriate tribe in the first place) and involvement of the tribe in the adoption process. It is very difficult for a white person to adopt a Native American child these days. They try to place those children with Indian families. If there are no suitable Indian families, then they will consent to adoption by a white family but under the ICWA, the mother has up to 2 years to change her mind and reverse the adoption. I don't think I could enter into an adoptive situation knowing that anytime within the first 2 years, the adoption could be disrupted.

Still, for a split second, I did think about the possibility of having another child and while it was hard to imagine, it didn't terrify me either.

--Lisa

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