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09-03-2001 @ 10:00 p.m.
Big Worries

I'm worried. About Joey's first day at school. I'm worried because I know she is worried. I'm worried because I know that tomorrow will be a high-anxiety and there's nothing I can do for her. I have to let her go to school without me and figure stuff out on her own. This is very difficult for me. As I said to Maxiegirl in an email, I'm a rescuer. I want to be there to smooth the transition. We've never had this kind of situation before--I've always been able to be there for her if she really needed me. Most of the time, she didn't need me. She's been at the same school for 4 years--since she was 3.5 years old. She made her transition there before her anxiety disorder kicked in full force.

I'm worried that she won't go to the restroom by herself. She has very big anxiety about going places by herself, especially unfamiliar places. I'm worried that she won't ask for what she needs and will be very reticent about getting help. I'm worried that she'll hang back and not make friend.

I'm worried that even though nothing goes wrong, the sheer load of all her anxieties will stress her out so much that she'll just breakdown and cry her eyes out when I pick her up and that we'll have a big struggle to get her to school the next day.

I wish I could stop worrying. I'm putting on a very carefree face for her because I don't want her to pick up on my anxiety. I'm trying to just relax, at least on the outside. But inside, I'm sick. My stomach is in knots and I can hardly stand the pressure. You'd think it was me who has the anxiety disorder, not her.

Then again, everything could go just fine.

--L

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