I'm a vindictive person. When someone does something that bothers me or hurts my feelings or leaves me out, I feel compelled to get them back. I'll show them, I tell myself. The problem is that my ways of getting people back are so lame that they don't even know I've gotten them back nor do they know that I was bothered by something.

Still feeling somewhat wounded that my best friend suggested going to the Children's Museum with me and then went without me, I decided that I would go to the zoo--without her. That'll show her. And then I invited my neighbor, just to really rub it in. Of course, I haven't talked to her in several days and I never invited her to go to the zoo and then renegged. But that's beside the point. I've gotten her back and that's that.

I do stupid things like that all the time playing this little game in my head that no one knows about but me. Instead of just telling the person I'm bothered, I go to great lengths to "punish" them. And yeah, that sure makes everything better.

I know that it's foolish. I know that it serves no good purpose. I know that no one I have attempted to punish has ever felt punished or has even really been aware that anything was up, except that perhaps I'd been just a bit distant for awhile which was attributed to school or work or parenting or life. What I don't know is why I feel a need to try to retaliate or punish or get back at someone for a slight they've done to me.

I should mention that I don't really offend easily so this isn't a common occurrence--it just happens now and then. I have a friend who seems to have Offense Antennae out and feeling for personal affronts all the time. I'm not that person. Mostly I don't like feeling left out so those are the types of situations that seem to generate that instant urge to get back at people.

I wish I could just say what I feel instead of playing these lame-ass punishment games that really exist only in my own mind but I don't do confrontation well. Hell, I don't do confrontation at all. When I'm mad at someone, I just fume. I give the cold shoulder. I keep quiet. Sometimes I slam doors, but only at home. Then I simmer about it, formulate a way to secretly get back at them and let it fade. It never really gets resolved. It just loses color like curtains in a sunny window.

I don't do confrontation well because confrontation wasn't allowed in the home of my birth. I saw my mother get offended and hold grudges and never deal with the issues that caused the hurt. Sometimes years would pass with that grudge firmly in place even though the reason for the grudge had long been forgotten. Is it any wonder that I can't talk to people? I never saw it happen in my childhood. I didn't even know such a thing was possible until I was much older and terrified of the notion.

And I never wanted to be on the receiving end of such a grudge which is what I figured would happen if I aired my grievances. So I kept my feelings to myself or figured out a way to get the perpetrator back. But in a small way. In a way that would appear to the receiver as inadvertant, like I had just somehow let it happen without realizing the impact such a act might have. Or in a way that would cause such a minor tremor that it would never even register on a Richter scale.

Why am I even talking about this? It's not something I usually tell people about myself nor is it something that I'm proud of. In fact, it embarrasses me to even think about this personality defect. I'm writing about it now because I've been spending the last week or so trying to think of ways to punish my best friend for leaving me out of her life too much. She's certainly entitled to her own life. We spend a lot of time together, usually. But a large percentage of the time, our togetherness is a result of my initiation. Feeling like she hasn't been doing much to keep things going, I decided, in my infinite and dysfunctional wisdom to punish her by not calling her or inviting her anywhere until she finally calls and says "hey, what's up? Whatcha been doing?" at which time I can tell her all the fun things I've been doing with other people or by myself and make her feel bad and make her feel left out and inspire her to call me more often to make plans for things.

But she's not like that. She'll call me in a few days and say "hey, what's up?" and I'll tell her about what I've been doing lately and she'll say "that sounds like fun" and it won't even occur to her to feel jealous or bad that I've been doing all these things without her. It won't even enter her mind to be bothered by it. She'll just chalk it up to me being the busy social butterfly-type person I am and think nothing of it. How on earth can I punish a guileless person like that? Why on earth would I want to?

--L