Ed has been kind of testy lately and yesterday it seemed that nothing met with his approval. I kept trying to get to the bottom of things but he wouldn't talk about it or would talk for a few minutes and then shut me out. Finally I badgered him enough that he would sit down and talk. We haven't talked like that for a long time. It was good. Painful and emotional but good. It wasn't a fight. It was an honest-to-goodness discussion and clearing of the air.

One of the problems is that I'm too bossy. This may come as a surprise to any of you who know me in real life. We've established over the past 17 years a pattern of my suggesting something and Ed going along. He doesn't say much about it so we end up doing what I suggest. I often get my way. Not by riding roughshod over his feelings but because he doesn't object. Or he objects in such a subtle way that it doesn't register to me as an actual objection. So we both need to do something there (though in all fairness, I think the biggest onus is on him to actually speak up and say something).

We've been moving in more and more independent ways over the past few years and that bothers him. I've always been a very independent person. It's an integral part of my personality. I thought he liked it that way. We've decided to work on meshing our lives a little more closely and consulting each other on plans and projects rather than just making pronouncements of what we're going to do.

I've taken advantage of his tendency to say nothing or very little. I need to pay more attention to his subtle comments and encourage him to actually express his feelings and opinions and preferences. And he need to talk, dammit.

On the one hand, I feel y verbad that he's been feeling like I disregard his feelings and just do what I want, when I want. On the other hand, I feel a little angry that he placed most of the "blame" on me for the current state of affairs. It's a pattern that we're both responsible for establishing. The defensive part of me insisted that he accept some of the responsibility which he did.

Afterward, I cried. I cried really hard. I don't even know why I cried so hard because I didn't feel particularly bad and we both felt good about the resolution of our differences. I felt like I wanted to cuddle with him some but he was very tired, having taken a sleeping pill before we started talking, and fell right to sleep. So I cried by myself. It was more a release. I haven't cried for a long time, except for a few watery eyes in a movie or some such. I used to cry all the time. Now I hardly ever cry. I think part of the reason for that is that I'm afraid if I let the flood gates open up, I'll never get them closed again. So I cried. I cried hard. And, actually, it felt kind of good. And I feel better, if not more tender, today. My eyelids are swollen like blisters, though. I hate that. I don't feel sad, though. I feel tired. And maybe in need of a little extra reassurance from my beloved. We'll be better and stronger for it.

Poor Joey, though. She had a traumatic first day at soccer. She hasn't played before and most of the girls have so she was very frustrated. I think things will get better as we play with her and get her used to kicking and running. We'll see. I may have to talk to the coaches about limiting the number of people who give her input, like his son who is in 4th grade and said "great kick" or "we've got another good kicker" to everyone but her. To her he said "kick it harder!" and "You can do better than that," when she knew at that point she couldn't do better. She'll survive and it will be good for her.

I need to go now and start getting ready for our next getaway. We're leaving this afternoon to spend 5 days in Central Oregon at my sister's house. We love central Oregon. It's Oregon's playground.

I'll update as often as I can while we're gone. My sister has internet access but I don't know how much time I'll have to read and update.

Later...

--L