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04-17-2001 @ 11:46
What the Hell Am I Doing, Anyway?

Lab day today. We made polymers in chemistry lab--that was so kewl! I especially loved making nylon. It was so weird--you put 2 liquids together and end up with this stringy solid. I just couldn't get enough of it.

I'm starting to question whether I want to keep going to school. I'm feeling tremendously discouraged right now. I just want to finish this term and be done. I'll just be a stay-at-home mom who keeps a very tidy house and has all her photo albums up to date and prepares gourmet meals every day. Yes, that sounds like me. Ok, so it doesn't sound like me, but it *could* be me if I tried. If I had the time. I'm just wondering if I really want to go to work again. Is that the best thing for Joey? Shouldn't I be more available to her? I don't want her to have to go to daycare after school--I'd hate that. I'm really wondering if I want to have the kind of lifestyle that goes along with being a midwife. I really want to teach but to do that I still have to get my Master's degree. I have a feeling I'll spend a lot more time teaching than catching babies. I may end up as a women's healthcare nurse practitioner than a midwife. The market is just so tight here because of the school. I can have a more normal life if I am an NP rather than a midwife. I guess I don't have to decide yet. For either one of them, I have to go to nursing school so I'll just focus on that for now. I'm really warming up to the idea of taking a year off next year. I just don't think I'll be able to get in to OHSU and I don't think I'll be able to afford UP. I still need to call them, too, and find out where my application is. I haven't heard from them yet. The transfer counselor was so friendly when I saw her, virtually assuring me of acceptance into the school.

I think maybe it's just the not-knowing that is getting me down. Plus I'm just tired of school. I don't think I can go to school for 6 straight years in a row. I think I will burn out in the middle of the important stuff. Maybe this year will be a good therapeutic year for me. I can get my shtuff in order and be really prepared for nursing school. And we can save a lot of money because Joey won't need to be in a private school (without teacher "work" days) and I won't have tuition and books and lunches to the tune of $100 a month. Now I'm really wanting that year off. But I can make good use of that year--becoming a doula and a childbirth educator. That will help me get into school again, too.

I'm just frustrated right now feeling like I'm not making progress but at the same time wanting to just take a big fat break. A sabbatical, like Ed. Only longer.

I need to go to bed. I don't want to go to bed but I need to go to bed. It's after midnight and I have class at 9am. I just hate going to bed. It's so boring. I wasted my whole evening being a couch potato. I was tired from not going to bed until 2am last night (tsk tsk, I know) so I veged out on the couch in a semi-prone position watching breast reduction surgery and babies being born (not at the same time, of course). I almost fell asleep at 10:30 but then I woke up again.

My plans to be a Responsible Adult are so failing. I got Joey to school an hour late today. What kind of parent am I, anyway? I'm disgusted with myself yet at the same time I can't seem to do anything about it. What kind of lesson am I teaching her, anyway? Shame on me, mom would say. Well I am ashamed. I'm tremendously ashamed. But still here I sit, at midnight watching Molto Mario. What the hell is wrong with me??

Later...

--Lisa

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