I'm back--yay! Ed has the server back up in a sort of jerry-rigged fashion. He still needs to fix some stuff but this will suffice until he gets the chance next week after he gets back from Phoenix. He has to deliver reviews to the half of his team that works in Arizona. Did I mention before how proud I am of him? :-)

I think I have a serious computer addiction. Going 2 days without my laptop nearly killed me. Last night we were watching a video (The WonderBoys--good flick) and I was feeling at such a loss because I didn't have my computer to play with while I watched the movie. I realized how rarely I watch TV without my laptop on my lap, reading/responding to email, visiting my friends in the Political Debate forum, reading and writing diary entries or just surfing the net. I've never been good at just watching TV--I usually have a book or magazine to read while I watch, or I have some kind of hand work--sewing beads on a shirt, or playing solitaire. I get bored with just one thing at a time. They don't call me the ADD Poster Girl for nothing.

Today was our first visit to the therapist for Joey's anxiety therapy. She is great. I really like her and I think this is a good fit for our family. Joey felt very comfortable there and was very articulate in describing her feelings to the therapist. I don't know how long this therapy will take, but I can see that Joey is highly motivated to get better. She asked me today if there were other kids who had her problem. She seemed relieved to know that she wasn't the only child (or adult) who feels scared or anxious often.

Last night, before Ed and I watched our video, Joey watched hers. I sat down with my A&P textbook to read about the respiratory system and after about 2 paragraphs, I fell asleep very solidly and slept sitting on the couch (leaning over slightly on a pillow) for almost 2 hours. Then I woke up--Ed had put Joey to bed and was starting our video. I woke up enough to watch it but I was afraid that I'd never fall back to sleep so halfway through the movie, I took a half a Benedryl. It helped with my allergies and helped me fall asleep, too, though it was about 2am before I fell asleep.

We had dinner at Tom and Karina's tonight. They are very sweet but I can't, for the life of me, figure out how she and my sister became best friends. They are very different in almost every way. Except for being very sweet and generous people, they have little in common. I can't see it, myself. But I guess you don't have to have a lot in common to be friends, though it does help.

Why am I not feeling very social lately? I'm really a very social person, but lately I've just felt like chilling at home. So in spite of the fact that we had dinner with Tom and Karina and are going to Mike and Tanya's for cake and ice cream to celebrate Mike's birthday, I'm still feeling antisocial. I haven't initiated a social outing (except for lunch with Stacey last week) for a long time. That's so not me. Should I be worried? Will it come back? Perhaps I ought to plan a party just to get it on the calendar? Nah, I'll just enjoy the solitude. I think that vacation with our friends just was too much togetherness for me. I must be still recovering.

Why do I watch Saturday Night Live? It's not really very funny anymore, but still I watch. The only thing I usually find amusing is the opening sketch and then, only if it's a political one. Someone needs to give these guys a clue.

I just saw a commercial for a product called Horny Goat Weed. It's supposed to be some kind of aphrodisiac or viagra-like substance. I can't believe the name and the commercial is almost as bad!

I need to get planning for the Pagan Springtime Ritual this Saturday. When Joey was 1, we had our very first Pagan Springtime Ritual (also known as an Easter Egg Hunt, but I like PSR better ). It was just after my mom died so it always reminds me of her.

Oh man--just as I was writing that, I remembered that I dreamed about my mom last night. It was like she was both alive and dead. It's hard to explain. I dreamt we went to my dad's house and I remember saying to her "This is the first time you've been to the house since you died, isn't it?" But she was alive and walking around and wearing the dress she wore at my wedding and her hair was brown and shoulder length, just as it was when I got married, not short and blonde, like it was when she died. It was just like she'd been gone for long time but was back. I remember in the dream hugging her and telling her "I love you, mom. And I'm so glad you're back. I've really missed you." I haven't dreamed her alive in years. I wonder if this has anything to do with my momentary slip in Hawaii where I thought that I needed to call her and tell her I went to the International Market. The dream was so real--I can still see her face so clearly and feel her arms around me.

I don't often give in to feelings of loss and emptiness over my mother's death. I feel the sting now and then, usually when there's an event that I wish she could be a part of, like Joey's birthdays or holidays or Amy's wedding. But for some reason I've been feeling this vague sense of loss lately and hadn't connected it to her until just now. I've been wanting a mature woman in my life--a grandmother for Joey. I love my grandma, but she can't be the active, lively grandmother that Joey needs. One who can take her places and really do things with her. As much as I need my mother for myownself, I feel the loss almost more acutely for Joey. I think if we lived closer to Ed's family, perhaps I wouldn't feel it so strongly, but they're 3000 miles away.

But I ramble. I miss my mom.

It's really a terrible thing to have no mother. I find myself being so envious of my friends who have mothers still. I've sort of co-opted Stacy's mom when I get the chance. She's sweet and cuddly and wonderful and she loves Joey, but we don't see her all that much. I mean, she has her own real kids to pay attention to. She doesn't have the bandwidth for any extras. I thought Maryland was going to be a good mom surrogate, but she is just too busy and kind of flaky so she didn't turn out to be the mom I was looking for. I guess I'll just need to keep searching for that elusive mother figure in my life.

Well, it's late. I should go to bed. I think I'll do some studying in the morning before church at 2:00. I have a load of Nutrition to get through before Wednesday. We have to do a nutritional self evaluation project in that class. At least I'm in the habit of writing down everything I eat. Not in the detail that she expects, though. I think it would be worth it to change my eating habits for those 3 days so that it's easier to do this study. She wants us to write down everything--if I eat a combination food, such as a pasta dish, every ingredient has to be broken out. So I won't be going out to eat during those 3 days!

Ok--enough of this rambling. I'm going to try to get some sleep. I hope it doesn't take too many sheep to get me asleep tonight. My eyelids are starting to feel a little heavy so perhaps dreamland is not too far off. Maybe I'll get to see Mom again. Wouldn't that be lovely?

Later,

--L